The second puberty: what no one tells you about becoming a mother
The second puberty: what no one tells you about becoming a mother
Barely recognize yourself since becoming a mom? You’re not the only one and here’s why. After giving birth, not only motherhood started – so did matrescence. This intense transformation is a lot like puberty and can last up to two or three years. Crying over a cat food commercial, forgetting your sentence halfway through or putting the dishes in the fridge? Mom brain is real.
Matre-what? Chances are you’ve never heard of matrescence. The term has been around for about fifty years, but only recently begun to attract more attention in scientific research. Think of it as puberty’s lesser-known cousin: not the transition from child to adult, but from woman to mother. Your body, your hormones, your life and your identity all change. At the same time. No wonder you sometimes feel lost or like you have to reinvent yourself completely. It’s all part of the deal: matrescence and motherhood are inseparable.
After giving birth, women enter matrescence – an intense transition phase comparable to puberty that can last two to three years. Psychologist Dorien Yassa points out that many mothers don’t realize they are in the middle of this transformation, partly because matrescence still receives so little attention. During this time, body, hormones, emotions, brain, and social relationships undergo major changes. Feelings like anger, insecurity, and guilt are normal. But self-care – such as setting boundaries and learning to say no – helps mothers reconnect with themselves and grow into their new role.
Post-baby recovery? Matrescence is so much more
In the Netherlands, we get plenty of prep giving birth. But what about after? The reality of what new mothers experience is so much more than just post-baby recovery. Dorien Yassa, a psychologist specialized in motherhood, explains: ‘We think it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to take years to figure out who they are, but mothers are expected to adjust within a few months – and then it’s usually straight back to work.’ She sees many women struggle, simply because they don’t realize they’re in the middle of a major transformation. ‘Most women aren’t aware of what they’re going through, partly because matrescence still receives so little attention.’
“We think it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to take years to figure out who they are, but mothers are expected to adjust within a few months – and then it’s usually straight back to work.””
More than nine months of bouncing back
Pregnancy recovery is often thought to take as long as the pregnancy itself: nine months. But according to Dorien Yassa, that idea is outdated. ‘It can create a lot of unnecessary stress. If you’re not back to your old self nine months after giving birth, you might feel like you’re falling behind.’ In reality, recovery is a natural process that can take another year, two, or even longer. Your life won’t ever be exactly the same as before – and that’s not a bad thing.
What changes during matrescence?
- Your body. After pregnancy and birth, comes recovery plus breastfeeding for many, with all the hormonal rollercoasters that brings.
- Your emotions. From caring for a newborn to dealing with toddler tantrums, it’s no surprise this stage can be full of doubt and stress.
- Your brain. Research shows that during pregnancy, your brain is literally rewired to help you bond with and care for your baby – and some of those changes are permanent.
- Your social life. Your relationship shifts, there’s less time for friends, hobbies and work. Daily life looks completely different and finding balance takes time.
Who you are as a mother
Barely recognize the woman you used to be in the mom you are now? Totally normal, says psychologist Dorien Yassa. Snapping, feeling frustrated – it happens. Ever heard of mom rage? It’s basically pent-up stress mixed with unmet needs. And let’s be real: juggling work, kids, housework and some kind of social life is a lot. For many moms, anger feels like failure and makes them feel guilty. But when there’s too little space for your own needs – like enough sleep or just a bit of me-time – handling emotions becomes nearly impossible.
Saying no as self-care
The good news? Those emotions can actually lead you back to yourself. Dorien Yassa explains: ‘There’s always something underneath. Anger often points to missing boundaries and fear can be your compass, showing what really matters. Use your feelings to figure out what you need.’ Her golden tip: learn to say no. Saying no is a form of self-care that you really need in this phase of life. Too tired or simply not in the mood to meet up? Then don’t. And for all the women wondering where their old self went… Your life will never be exactly like it was before kids, but you absolutely can find yourself again. Just like your child, you’ll grow into your new role – as a person, and as a mother.
